feeling kinda stuck between my pessimistic/whiny and my brave side. on one hand, i feel like a cheap copy of much better people who i look up to/extremely jealous about, and i feel occasionally that i will never be the person i want to. i also feel like i will either need to quit art, become submissive to ai, and become a groupthinker again, or accept it and may become homeless in the future, and lose dignity. i feel sometimes i need to end people about the end times, even though i dont know when it will be or whats going to happen in that time. i suffer from power fantasies. i even feel like a techbro/dirty asshole who wants to bring the end times, just for being able to afford therapy, wanting things for myself and believing we deserve good things. i feel like i need to change my identity to feel happy and feel whole. i struggle with not breaking from my doomscrolling addiction because i feel pleasure from it. (not sexually, mentally)

on the other hand, i do not believe everything is doomed, despite what some of newgrounds may believe. (not in an insulting way.) i have not attempted to traumatize anyone deliberately. i still have newgrounds, discord and sheezy to rebel against capitalism. i will feel joy even if ai takes over thanks to punk rock, art, and games. i draw artwork that's actually pretty good,and i draw because i love it. i am aware of evil, and even though it makes me insane and very rarely even suicidal, it's much better than being completely unaware. i have friends. i am not in a war zone. i have people who love me, i have the basic necesities, i have critical thinking. i want to help others and even if i dont wake up the world, waking up one or two will be a good step. part of why i feel so hopeless is possibly because i want to save people from inoffensitivity and groupthink too much. i love you all platonically, but i need to calm myself down. even if the world sucks, there is still joy, there is still good people, there is still true love, there is still true friendship, and the world could be worse.

if the end times come, i dont know how i should feel. heartbroken that i failed to warn, or happy that i fufilled with my life.